As I meet with clients seeking the counsel of a divorce attorney on Long Island, it is not uncommon for them to express anger toward themselves at signs they “should” have seen which indicated their spouse may want a divorce. But it is easy to tell yourself you “should” have done or said something differently when you are not in the midst of the situation. At times people do not know their spouse’s odd behavior is a “sign” he or she may want a divorce.
I have compiled a list of the most common signs my Long Island divorce clients feel they missed, so you can determine if any of these exist in your relationship.
- You cannot seem to do anything right in the eyes of your spouse.
Your spouse asks you to do A so you do A, then he or she is angry that you did not do B, so you do B, and he or she says why did you not just do A. Does this situation sound familiar? It could be mowing the lawn, emptying the dishwasher, doing the laundry or cleaning the bathroom, but lately it seems that any task your spouse asks you to do is done incorrectly. As a human being it is natural to feel that the fault is on you, but you must consider that this may not be the case. Constant unhappiness and your spouse picking arguments is a tell-tale sign that he or she is unhappy in the relationship. Rather than feel as though there is something “wrong” with you, you should call your spouse’s behavior to his or her attention and discover their reaction. This could be the start of a conversation that leads to repair of your relationship, or, alternatively, provide a signal that it may be irreparable.
- Your spouse desires elective, cosmetic procedures that are otherwise out of character.
Does your wife all of a sudden want breast implants? Or does your husband come home from work and tell you he is going to get hair plugs? You think your spouse is attractive just the way they are, and they never seemed to have a problem with their body before. These are signs that your spouse’s self-esteem is low, and he or she may be seeking a confidence boost elsewhere.
- Little to no physical contact.
Your spouse was at one time affectionate and warm, but now he or she has become distant. There is never a hand on your knee or an arm around your waist. Affection is necessary in a marriage, and the lack of it, if it was once present, could be cause for concern.
- You have “uncoupled”.
While it can be healthy to have interests outside the marriage, most married couples spend most, if not all, of their free time together. They partake in activities that are of interest to both of them, or one agrees to partake in an activity he or she knows their spouse thoroughly enjoys. It is also not uncommon for the social circle of a married couple to consist solely of other married couples. Notice if your spouse becomes interested in a new activity and does not include you, or if your spouse begins to spend time with your social circle without you. It may be something as simple as your spouse saying “I met Jack and Jill for a drink after work; it was no big deal.” And once is no big deal, however, if this behavior becomes consistent it should be a red flag.
- There is little to no compromise in your relationship.
It has become “my way or the highway” with your spouse lately. A marriage consists of two people, and as such, the needs and wants of both should play a role in any decision making. At times this calls for compromise. If you notice that your spouse is doing only what he or she wants to do with no care for your emotions or desires do not be left in the dark. Discuss this issue with your spouse, and if there is no positive feedback, start thinking about the best route for yourself.
- Communication between you and your spouse has hit an all-time low.
Communication is the most important part of any relationship. Any of the above mentioned concerns in your marriage have the potential to be solved if you are able to communicate in a mature manner with your spouse. If you are unable to do so, this may be the most blaring sign that your relationship is in trouble. Without proper communication, both or one of you may begin to feel as though the other does not care and this knowledge will likely drive a wedge between you.
Marriage is a Delicate Relationship that Takes 2 to Work
As a divorce attorney on Long Island, I have seen first-hand that a marriage is a delicate relationship that requires work from both people involved. If you are alone in trying to make your marriage work, it is unlikely you will be successful. If it feels like you are banging your head against a wall trying to make your marriage work and your partner refuses to try at all, it may be time to begin thinking about your own well-being and your future health and happiness and less about the fighting to repair a marriage where your spouse has already “checked out”.
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